Self Portrait

Have you ever reached that point where you honestly do not give a shit?

It’s the first door on the right, a bit past the “breaking point” (mythical, I assure you) and according to Credence Clearwater Revival, it is a bathroom (Bad Moon). If it is a bathroom it is an ironic one because once there, honestly not one shit is given.

The walls are covered in lyrics and words mostly used by sailors and one crooked painting hangs seemingly at random. It’s not so much random as it is difficult for short girls to hang things as eye level at 5ft tall is ridiculous in normal sized rooms. The occupant is under the impression that you’ll notice the content of the picture rather than the way in which it was hung. Maybe both are relevant but let me paint you a picture:

Bella appears to be lounging on the couch. She is wearing a tutu and leg warmers. She appears to be some kinda wackadoo ballerina. She is neither.

In fact, she is a wife and mother of two and though she is stretched out like a 5 foot long cat, hilariously dressed though she may be, she is working.

She is at least ten years older than she looks. It’s not just the tutu either. Maybe it’s because she is the size of an 8th grader and has the same doe eyed look of naïveté. Whatever it is she’s pretty flattered every time she buys a pack of cigarettes she pretends not to smoke. She is in fact in the homestretch of her 20’s. Why she feels the need to treat herself as a leper when she chooses to smoke the occasional ultra light 100 is unknown even to her.

No, the tutu (and the cigarettes) are because Bella is in that place. The door on the right where, bathroom or no, shits are not had or given and tutus and cigs may be enjoyed to the fullest.

Hypothetically, an observant person may raise a few eyebrows and questions about this woman-child. After all it seems pretty extreme. What is this, Sex and the City? We are now wearing Halloween costumes as clothes and smoking inside while we type up nonsense on our computers for hypothetical innocents to come across and be traumatized by?

No no…not at all. Bella would never smoke inside. Did you miss the part about smoking = lepracy in her mind? The rest is true though; also she has no sense of smell making farts an all around enjoyable business to her. This is useful in a house full of men.

Now that you are thoroughly offended, I think the picture is just about done. Don’t be fooled by your mental painting though she is a force to be reckoned with.

Hypothetical, observant, thinkers would note that it takes a decent amount of balls to pull off a tutu around the corner from 30, even in your own house. They’d take this not so much as a sign of insanity as a warning. Like those monkeys that flash their butts before they attack. Hilarious, yes! Until teeth happen.

They’d note that the leg warmers are legit. Girls who will never see 5’2 (let alone 5’9) are not encouraged to be ballerinas, but there are other kinds of dancing and Bella is familiar with a few. The legs are strong. There are no shoes on the pixie sized feet; they are much stronger than you’d think at first glance too. Shoes are obstacles and are required in certain social circumstances but while one is in a tutu one retains the right to complete disregard of society and it’s rules.

The shirt was her brothers. It’s been shrunk down and the neck has been hastily cut off to give it a “girly” feel but it says “ill” in that font probably owned by Philadelphia in green and white. The dot over the i is a shamrock. Not one bit of that shirt is posing…she is an Irish, Philly native. She doesn’t camp there but has some bad-assery she can tap into if need be.

The tiny and by all appearances broken “computer” (phone) she is working on poses about five obstacles a day to a dream she has. She has ceased to notice and lives in peaceful oblivion. Do not disturb. It’s a dream bigger than the tiny shop filled with the half formed ideas and cutesy yarn-things she makes. It’s a dream full of big words she doesn’t understand like free commerce and trade and entrepreneurship. Still she knows it’s a dream worth fighting for. So she does. Night and day.

She probably has a few issues, but definitely takes zero meds for any of them. She honestly doesn’t judge you and can tell you this to your face without losing self respect because it’s absolutely true. She knows that judging a person is the quickest way to find yourself in their shoes. We already discussed her feelings on shoes.

The whole picture is true, as contradictory as it seems. A skilled artist would paint her in a way that you could see all these things. I’m not skilled maybe, but I tried and that’s what counts.

Ps ~
The picture is mine Painted maybe 5 years ago before I knew anything.



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