As I follow this miraculous trail of breadcrumbs my 20 year old self left for me, I allow only a few minutes to wonder what might have been.
I think if it’s any more than a few, it will go from wonder to regret. I do not have the time for that.
So. If I hadn’t had those babies and learned those lessons I’m pretty sure I’d have been arrested at some point. I would have been following current events because, apparently, I loved it. I do remember the moment I decided to stop.
Things were getting pretty bad. In life and the news. I knew had barely enough energy to handle the stress of only one. I still believe I was wise to choose myself at that moment, though a part of me mourns a little for all that passion.
It would have turned into one of those WMD’s though. I’m sure of this. I would not have taken the time to learn about the color Gray. And I know now that Black and White have their place, but life is too complex for such strict boundaries.
I’d have missed out on the compassion I’ve learned as a result.
I’m sure I’d have gone nuclear at some point landing myself in prison and probably the papers as just another screaming extremist. Which, ironically, I hated.
I can laugh about that now. It ispretty funny. I’ve always appreciated a good piece of irony.
Hub and I would not have come back to Delaware and learned about all the lies and Kool-Aid we grew up on. The decision that being a close family was more important than money wouldn’t have happened without a baby to consider. We’d be in some big city, rich (compared to our current status anyway) but I’d never see him. His line of work generally comes with a contract signed in blood and granting your soul. All those zeros are so distracting though…
I would never have met my sister. Ten years younger than me, I’d have completely forgotten her. That’s one I won’t explore further because the pictures are too sad. Besides, it didn’t happen. Win.
Of course there’s a million other possible things to wonder but I’m over it for now.
Plus, there’s a few more breadcrumbs.