Ms. Ranty McPanterson

I wrote this in 06 and I was maybe 21 years old. The math is probably way off but the logic is good. I’ve actually come across a couple of other bloggers today who said it better and if I knew how to link em I would.

It still amazes me how I used to have so many words. And all that rage.

It’s probably one of my favorite colors. It’s also another word for someone or something that is environmentally conscience. It’s the newest fad in Hollywood and therefore, you guessed it, absolutely driving me up the wall.

I’ve been thinking probably way too much about this. Especially since anything I say, factual though it may be, will never change anything and only really serves to fuel my fire. But since it’s just about one in the morning and I’m mulling this over in my head instead of sleeping, I might as well get it out for all of you to enjoy. Or not.

Celebrities are always preaching to us common folk about what we should be doing with our little mediocre common lives. Sometimes it’s politics, sometimes religion, and occasionally even child rearing (don’t even get me started *coughalecbaldwincough*) but most recently, it has been about how we treat dear old Mother Earth.


I guess I really started thinking about this a while ago when Sheryl Crow said that ridiculous thing about how if we all only used one square of toilet paper each time we went to the bathroom we could make such a difference in landfills. First of all, paper is incredibly biodegradable, especially of the wiping variety. Secondly, we all know that Sheryl Crow uses more than one square to wipe her little pampered ass and she’s simply doing what celebrities do best, being a hypocrite.

Consider this: Celebrities, especially the females, love to pamper themselves. They use the excuse of “My skin/hair/body is my job! Wah!” We usually hear about them loving on themselves in some fabulous spa on some island where the native population probably live in grass huts and feed daily on rice. If they’re lucky. (Psh, the irony never ends, does it?) Consider the amount of energy it would cost to keep a spa of that size and stature running. They have to have lights for tanning beds, rooms, dining halls, kitchens, those little purple lights that dry your nails, hair dryers, washing and drying machines, hot tubs…this list goes on and on. Thinking about that alone will lead you to think about other obvious waste that would go in to running such a facility. Bath, spa and physical therapy tub water alone must be astronomical. And it’s not as if a spa is something you can’t live without, like say, a home.

But celebrity homes aren’t doing much for the environment either. Living rooms alone in the common celebrity “crib” take up spaces whole families could live in. So how many trees were cut down, how much precious wildlife left homeless in order to make that humongous house. Plus any self respecting celeb has an Olympic size pool and a basketball court, in the very least. Think of all the lumber!

Energy costs for a house like that must be insane. We have a two story, three bedroom house. In the summer when we run the air conditioner it costs us around $150 just for electric. In order to fill our gas tank it’s about $300 for 100 gallons. And in case you didn’t know, 100 gallons only lasts about a month, maybe 40 days. And we don’t even have a hot tub! Or a fire place! And, it should be noted, that we only have one shower and it only works about 50% of the time.

And let’s be generous and say our tiny vehical costs us about $150 a month to fuel.

So our tiny life costs us around $600 in natural resources every month. That’s $7,200 a year, give or take. Doesn’t seem like much until you consider that Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston’s place (according to covers 10,000 sqaure feet not including the outdoor tennis court, pool and spa. If you’re interested, it’s currently on the market for about 25 million. They probably own quite a few cars, too. I don’t feel like looking that up, at the moment. (It’s kind of hot down here.)

I don’t know what the square footage of this house is, but I’m willing to bet it’s probably just enough to fit into a corner of theirs. Let’s say their energy costs are triple ours ($21,600). That’s a salary falling below the poverty line, btw. Imagine the truck loads of oil and the precious, diamond weilding coal that was spent! It’s quite a tragedy.

Oh I wish I could find the stats for Sheryl Crow’s house. I know she has two, one in LA and one in Nashville. And you know that even the most modest of celeb homes would double ours. I’ll tell her where she can put her one square of paper and her hypocritcal views on conservation.

If celebrities really want to help, they can start by selling all of their wordly goods, going back to the basics and donating the money to the studies of alternative fuel. Then they can dump their entire bank accounts into whatever charity they whine about on tv the most. They can do their job for a quarter of the price and get rid of their entitled attitudes.

Then they can talk to me about turning my lights off.

Until then, I wish they’d shove a big green gag in their yaps and shut it already. Nobody is interested in their ridiculous diarrhea of the mouth. Honestly.



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