Don’t Feed the Bears

I’ve only seen one bear in person. He lives a sad life in a sad little zoo somewhere on the state line between DE and MD. He’s sick or drugged or depressed or something so he’s not scary at all. He’s just kinda…sad.

Emo bear is not representative of his species. Bears in general are scary as hell. A self help book about what to do if you meet a bear would have one sentence: Prepare to die.

Maybe the bear community is misunderstood, but I doubt it. I’m not going to test the theory and neither should you.

What’s the worst kinda bear to mess with? The Mama bear, of course.

Don’t eff with that mama bear. If you do, you deserve whatever bloody consequences she serves you.

I’m being metaphorical, by the way. Obviously, I am that mama bear. My murderous protective instincts cover not only my cubs but my Hub as well. He’s a bigger bear than me for sure but…still.

I am all caps rage right now. If I don’t vent here I know I’ll go after the offender and I can’t do that anymore. Technically it’s Hubs business and he handles it his own way. Nobody likes screechy, interfering wifeys.

Still.

I’ll be the first to admit I’m not very good at being a grown up, but there are a few rules obvious enough that even I know them.

1. Self Control – demonstrated here by the lack of blood splatters, name calling, and photo identification even though I’d love to call a bitch out right now.

2. Responsibility – If you do a thing, please don’t blame it on your imaginary friend. Or your own child. Be a man and own that shit.

3. Say You’re Sorry – I don’t understand people who can’t apologize. If it’s pride that’s keeping you from it, you should be much more embarrassed by the fact that you come off as spineless and immature for not saying sorry. We all know you’re wrong. Apologize and get it over with.

4. Calendars – In this the age of iPhones and Facebook notifications there are no excuses for forgetting your kids birthday. Please refer to rule 3 if you do.

5. Facebook is Stupid – If this is the medium you refer to to show the world you’re awesome, please don’t take it out on me from blocking that shit.

And don’t…I repeat…do not take it out on my Hub either.

You cat to be kitten me with this shit. Facebook? Really? Really?

A little self evaluation never hurt anybody. Quite the opposite, actually. So if you’re measuring your life, or worse, your love, by Facebook, you might want to rethink that and make some changes.

Just sayin.

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