But First…

…let me take a selfie.

Dear God.

My last post was a lil crabby so I feel kinda bad about this. All hypotheticals tapped out on negativity and sarcasm for the day please exit to your right.

To all you cynical (masochistic…?) bastards that stayed…I heart you. This blog is literally the only vent in my boiler room. If I don’t let it out once in a while…

Oh so many stupid lil annoying things to tell you! Where do we start…

Oh, the selfies. God I don’t understand the appeal. Seriously. Like I just heard about that thing the selfie stick the other day and I’m all holy shit are we serious?! I’m not out of touch, it’s just really…who gives a shit? Really? Really?

If you have one and plan to go to Lollapalooza please note they have been banned.

For being annoying. True story.

After all that, how embarrassed am I to admit that I wanted one so bad yesterday!

Not because my outfit was just too cute for the world to miss! It was just the usual “workout without a gym” mom uniform and an out of place cute top because horror of horrors I must at times model for myself.

I cannot describe…I’ll try though.

Some people have similar feelings for Miley Cyrus or…I dunno, mayonnaise.


And anxiety ohmergerd. I spent literal hours “editing” and re-editing. At one point there were so many copies of the same pictures I really didn’t know wtf was going on anymore. Observe:


LWhy does my hair look dirty?! I literally just showered for this exact purpose! Uggghgrr%#*+&$@! And other such crazy sounding shit.

So embarrassing…

I’m old, ok?! Like I had a Polaroid when I was 15 because it was “retro” and it was my birthday so that’s what they gave me. Film cost like $50 a pop so I only ever took 10 pictures with it. You know at least 3 of those were misfires too so that’s a total of 7.

Seven pictures I took as a teenager. We didn’t do that crap we were busy! Like…you know…doing shit.


Anyway. It took me weeks to finally get that lil leather bow clip right. Leather is not a forgiving medium. I finally got it but the thing looked so dumb in the product shots. Some stuff you need to see in action, right?

If I’m wrong about that, please god tell me. Seriously.

So it’s adorable of course but I’m so not photogenic. It’s a running joke amongst my people. I’m a demon maybe. I dunno. Ugh.

And! I still haven’t posted the stupid thing. I workedso hard but…nope! I don’t know!

I gotta make another one first anyway because obviously I’m not gonna sell something I’ve worn. Gross.

I could give up…

But I know I won’t.

Plus I only told you one thing! I have a whole shit list right now too. Maybe later. Rage is exhausting.

So that’s the story of Why my Products Look so Cute but I never Do. I’m sorry. I’d do better if I could. The hair clip is great though I’m not even sorry I can’t sell it. I’m wearin’ it now!

PS I also have a list of really great happy sparkly stuff I’ve been meaning to tell you. I’ll get around to that too, promise.


PPS the above pic was def supposed to be up there when I said it looks dumb in product shots. I tried three times to fix it. Rather than Hulk smash my phone I’m leavin it here now. You get the idea.



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