Loud.

Hello, to me…

If I was a stripper, this would be my song.

It’s what I call a “sister song” because, well it was my sisters song. It ended up on my phone by accident. My music is usually pretty G rated. PG-13 tops. I’m a mom…and my kids tell on me.

I’m alone all day right now though. And this is my jam. But just in case you too have tiny humans, it is not PG.

Neither is this post.

Hey bitch, I’m back at it…

I’m doing it again. I really hate my brain. I’ve never heard of anyone else hating their brain but I’m definitely not a fan.

Some people would be slowly backing away for the door, or in this case the unfollow button, after a line like that. It’s cool. I get it. Feelings scare me too.
I’ve got a cute, picture filled pet post comin up though so no worries.

I prefer the feelings of others. I’m a damn good friend. But me…I only learned to have feelings a few years ago. That was a whole thing, let me tell you. Terrifying, but necessary. I did a lot of things I thought a strong, proud person like myself would never do. Mostly to appease the Hub, if I’m honest.

The whole thing was especially weird because my life at the time had never been better. But I was not ok. Long story short, Hub pushed me into counseling and the guy tells me I can’t handle peace.

You’re kidding me, right. It’s not a thing you admit really, but yeah I had a rough life. So did everybody. So what.
Evidently my brain doesn’t know what to do without stress. And that is why I hate it.

Anyway, I learned to have feelings. I even learned how to handle them.

We always find a way to turn it up again, never turn it down…

For two years we lived on nothing. I mean nothing. I won’t get into the circumstances behind my husband’s sabotage, but it happened and it was awful. I was the cheerleader the whole time. I was, if I may say so now that it’s over, impressive. I’ll admit that now too since I’m admitting so many less attractive things.

It is true. I’m great in a crisis.

Still…I hoped, wished, even prayed daily that we’d get a break. That things would turn around and be good again.

A couple weeks ago, I got my wish.

And I am miserable.

Fuck me…seriously?! But yeah. It’s confession time. Hub and the kids went out for a bit, I turned on my song and started dancing while I cleaned (it’s the only way I’ll do it) and kept bursting into tears.

I’m so badass, with my rap songs and tears.

I mean…in the blink of an eye everything was changed. We got more than we could have dreamed of. Our situation is going to be better than it ever has been.

But still…so many tears. IPhone without a phone case…

I will get there. I don’t know why I go through this, but I know I gotta let it do it’s thing. I am so pissed that I can’t just be happy now. That isn’t fair. I may have handled the last two years like a boss but I still wasn’t happy. I feel like I earned some damn peace.

They can’t pull me over if I can’t hear the sirens…

I hate to say all of this. I really do. Admitting this crap is the worst.

I did the denial thing for 25 years though and it broke my brain. I still can’t bring myself to lay all of that out in words yet, though I mention it occasionally. My denial is powerful…automatic even. I know some people have to choose it, and I suppose I did as well at some point, when I was very young. That counselor guy said it was a necessary defense. One that I no longer need. So now I have to fight to not use it.

Exhausting.

Middle finger up to the silence…

Hub went off to his amazing new job and the kids went back to school this week. By Friday I found myself talking to the cat.

Hub worked from home for almost ten years. I had little kids to take care of all day, I had a sister that appeared at random and stayed for days, I was busy.

It was loud.

I also have the crappiest data plan available and was unable to reach the world all week. If I’m being completely transparent though, I’m not sure I would have made any contact if I could.

The lack of noise, people and problems to deal with this week was…rough.

So that’s why I’m here, saying things I hate to say, admitting things I would like to deny, and showing the world a part of myself I wish I didn’t have.

It’s the only way to grow.

I feel better already. These lil relapses take less and less time. So…Hope is a thing.

The italicized texts are lines from the song “Loud” by T Mills. This post really has nothing to do with the content of the song…but the beauty of art is that it’s open to interpretation.

Anyway…I’ll finish up that cute post and well get back to normal soonishly.

Xoxo

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